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Dear Tat (volume 2)

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Dear Tat,

It’s been 6 months and 9 days since you left this earth.

I was very aware of the 5 month mark. But month 6 really snuck up on me. The date fell on the same weekend as my grandma’s birthday (the first we can’t celebrate with her) and exactly two years without my sister. Isn’t that wild?

For the past 6 months I’ve been devastated about losing you. I have thought of you every single day without fail. But literally as soon the 6 month mark hit I started missing you in a whole new way. On February 17th – exactly 6 months since your accident – I dreamed of you.

In the dream I was with your very best friend Brianna and our dear friend Aliza. We were somewhere hot, and we were just about to go to the beach.

Then you showed up. The moment I saw your face I experienced the most profound sense of relief. Pure, unquestioned joy. It felt like all my pain and sorrow and grief had been undone. Every tear I cried over you in the last 6 months reversed as if it hadn’t happened. We hugged you so tight, Tat.

We looked at you and said “How is this happening?” You told us that it was all just a “mix up”, and there you were! We didn’t question or doubt it. We didn’t tell you about how much agony we’d felt in your absence. We took you to the beach. We chatted. We laughed. We told you what we’ve been up to for the last 6 months. You were back, Tat.

I woke up the next morning and wasn’t sure if I could ever leave my bed again.  It felt like I had just been with you – like we had actually gone to the beach. I had actually just seen your face and hugged you tight. I woke up feeling cheated – you were right there in front of me but it wasn’t real.

I was so annoyed and felt cruelly manipulated by my subconscious.

Sounds dramatic, right? Oh it is! But I have never once let my subconscious convince me that someone who died is back in a dream before. I’ve shut it down every time. Even subconsciously I know the person can’t be alive, and therefore I won’t even let myself pretend. But this time… I was fooled.

Now as angry and disappointed as I was, I believe God allowed my mind to let down its defenses for a reason.

I think the insanely glad, happy, relieved feeling I experienced in my dream might be a little taste of what heaven is like. How you felt when you arrived. I think about you spending every second with Jesus often.

The truth is, Tat – you’re not angry that God called you home sooner than you expected. You’re not frustrated that the plans you made for your life on earth didn’t come to pass. You’re not confused – you’re not asking why. You’re not shaking your fists at God saying “this isn’t fair!!” like the rest of us.

Instead, you are home. The moment you saw Jesus’ face —  you felt the most profound sense of relief.

Unquestioned joy.

All the pain and sorrow and grief of this life had been undone.

Every tear reversed as if it hadn’t happened.

Nothing but love and glory.

As a tear escapes my eye in this moment, I’m reminded that this is what God promises to do for all of us. What He’s done for you, my sweet friend. You’re home. 

Revelation 21:4 – He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

Free from death, and mourning and crying and pain.

I’ll never know why this all happened. Maybe you don’t even know why. In all honestly – I think there’s a chance you haven’t even asked though you see God face to face every day. Because you trust His plan without conditions – this I’m certain of.

So Tat, I miss you so much.

Since the dream I have had an unquenchable longing to hang out with you.  Even if I could just receive a text from you, my heart would be glad. A “like” on Instagram and I’d be reeling.

But you are home with the lover of your soul, and you couldn’t be more glad.

To have you come back would be downright selfish.

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